The Essentials of Wellbeing, Resilience, and Recovery

[00:00:00] Paula: Hello everyone,
[00:00:33] Paula: and welcome to Chatting With The Experts TV show. My name is Paula Okonneh and I have been given the privilege of being a show host on Win Win Women’s TV show.
[00:00:49] Paula: Today I have a very exciting episode. It’s something that we all think about sometimes that we don’t actually do. So my guest today is. Tesse Akpeki, and she is the founder of Future Focused Wellbeing and Resilience.
[00:01:09] Paula: She’s going to be talking about Recovery and how to look after ourselves while looking after others. She will be joining us in a minute and
[00:01:32] Paula: welcome Tesse so join. Hi, Tesse.
[00:01:41] Paula: Nice to have you here. So I introduced you as the founder of Future Focus, Wellbeing and Resilience. And I told our guests to look forward to a very exciting and interesting and relevant conversation today with you. We’ll be talking about recovery and how do we look after ourselves. I have to check this out.
[00:02:11] Paula: While looking after others?
[00:02:16] Tesse: Absolutely excited to be doing that with you today, Paula.
[00:02:19] Paula: Thank you. So let’s start. So tell
[00:02:24] Paula: me, first and foremost, I love the name of your business, Future Focus, Wellbeing and
[00:02:31] Paula: Resilience. And so just tell me a little bit of why you chose that before we go to get into our talk.
[00:02:38] Tesse: It is a crux and it’s a beautiful question.
[00:02:41] Tesse: The past is gone. we can look at it in the rear view mirror. Actually, what’s important is that we’re here in the here and now, in the present, that we are mindful in the present moment. And as we’re mindful in the present moment, we can begin to think about how we can shape a future, or how we can focus on things ahead.
[00:03:07] Tesse: So we’re looking through the front, mirror of our car. And that’s why it’s future focus. And we can focus on well being and resilience.
[00:03:19] Paula: I love it. I love it. So let’s start with, how do we take care of ourselves? How do we recover? How do we take care of ourselves while looking after others?
[00:03:31] Paula: Tell me about that.
[00:03:33] Tesse: what I’d love us to do is to circle back. I’m a great believer in having. An understanding of what we’re trying to do here and having a system or a structure which acts as a kind of container for our thinking and for our actions. So I would love to introduce you to the Resiliency Framework and with three C’s that are part of that, conversation.
[00:03:59] Tesse: So the first C is competence, that we need to actually be able to feel that we can handle situations, tricky situations, difficult situations, we need to be able to be, to address whatever is thrown at us, because doing that means that we build up a sense of trust in our abilities, in ourselves and in others.
[00:04:24] Tesse: Now, if we are in that place of competence and we feel more confident that we can deal with real life situations. We have contingency plans, so we’re able to feel confident because we are feeling competent. And then, yeah, absolutely. I love this thing that we get a sense of connection. So we connect to ourselves, we connect to others, and inside, outwards, we’re able to do and have a sense of safety and a sense of belonging.
[00:04:54] Tesse: And the fourth C in this cycle, because I’m thinking about it as a cycle, the fourth C is actually that we are People of character, that we show up, we keep our promises, but we also know our ethical stance on things, that right is right, and we are responsible for our choices, which means that we’re able to contribute from a place of self worth and self value.
[00:05:19] Tesse: So those are my four Cs, Paula.
[00:05:22] Paula: I love it four Cs competence, which leads to confidence, which helps us to connect with others. And that builds character. I love it. Okay. Alright. So that’s the resiliency
[00:05:37] Paula: framework.
[00:05:38] Tesse: Yeah.
[00:05:38] Paula: What else do you have for us?
[00:05:40] Tesse: Well, there’s in the resiliency frame, because I’m thinking about something that is a foundation and what we’ve discussed so far is about a foundation of resilience and well being.
[00:05:49] Tesse: I would love to introduce us to some more pillars to support this architecture of resilience. So the issue of control, being able to feel a sense of autonomy and agency. That’s one pillar. Coping. How are we coping with what’s going on in ourselves and others. So what strategy do we have that we can cope with any situation we’re placed in?
[00:06:15] Tesse: And how can we contribute, how can we have a sense of contribution to our environment, to our friends, our family, et cetera, to society, but also how do we feel we contribute to our sense of wellbeing, our sense of wellness and how we see ourselves. So these are, you have your foundation and then you have your pillars.
[00:06:36] Paula: So we got control
[00:06:38] Paula: some other C’s control. Did you say coping?
[00:06:42] Tesse: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:06:43] Paula: And contribution.
[00:06:44] Tesse: Absolutely. Yeah.
[00:06:45] Paula: Now we’ve got seven C’s.
[00:06:47] Tesse: Yeah, we have those and, it’s actually all of them are linked in, but slightly different. And I think it’s helpful in knowing the variations of this. So we know in our toolkit what we are going to be drawing on more at times than others.
[00:07:02] Tesse: So it’s just a way of structuring what we are talking about and after a while it becomes quite an automatic part of the way we’re thinking and the way we are behaving.
[00:07:12] Paula: And I like the fact that you said, we had a framework, resiliency, a resilience framework, and now we have the pillars.
[00:07:19] Paula: We’ve got a framework, we’ve got the pillars propping it up.
[00:07:22] Tesse: Yeah.
[00:07:22] Paula: Additional Cs. Loving that. Okay. All right. Let’s continue.
[00:07:26] Tesse: Yeah, I, and I really like the way you’re framing this. I would like to sort of talk about wellness, which is which enhances wellbeing. So wellness is actually, a way of becoming aware of the choices we’re making and making these choices towards healthy and fulfilling lives.
[00:07:45] Tesse: So we’re looking at a dynamic process of change, of learning, of growth. So why is wellness important? Because it helps our ability to change mentally, emotionally and social well being, our state, and it’s linked to health. so health is actually a state of living a healthy lifestyle intertwined with healthy choices.
[00:08:10] Tesse: So choice is a really, I keep on saying choice and coping, et cetera. Choice is a really important part of this. And I give you an example. If I say I’m going to run a mini marathon and I keep eating burgers and I keep putting on weight and I do no training. I don’t think it’s going to go very well. Do you think it will?
[00:08:30] Tesse: I mean, it’s not going to go very well. You know, I need to have a routine, a regime of training, and I need to try to experiment and try out a few, mini- marathon activities, and not just think I’m going to show up on the starting line on the day and it’s going to go well. So actually health is actually being in that state where making these healthy choices.
[00:08:56] Tesse: But in there, I mentioned routine, we need to have some habits and habits need to be healthy. we are able to flourish and thrive rather than just survive. So the habits help us. to get stronger at fulfilling our goals or our roles or how we show up. So forming these really healthy habits contribute to our wellness.
[00:09:23] Paula: I love it. I’m still picturing in my mind running a marathon after not
[00:09:27] Paula: training, having filled. I haven’t had a diet of
[00:09:34] Paula: lots of burgers. Anything in excess. Lots of soda.
[00:09:40] Tesse: Yeah.
[00:09:41] Paula: and absolutely no training. Love it.
[00:09:43] Tesse: And a load of coffee, kinda like, get the adrenaline running.
[00:09:47] Tesse: It’s gonna happen on the day. Oh. but no, I don’t think so. , but you know, I think I’m going to introduce another word, which is not a C, it’s actually an E.
[00:09:58] Paula: Oh!
[00:09:59] Tesse: And this word. Yeah. It’s not a C, it’s an E. And this word is empathy. And what makes empathy important. I’m going to introduce you to the, imagine an iceberg.
[00:10:09] Tesse: So you have an iceberg and above the iceberg, you have, you’re seeing certain things. So you’re seeing people’s behavior. I’m seeing people are witnessing my behavior. You’re seeing how people’s body languages and how they’re holding themselves, how they’re expression, expressing themselves. You’re seeing how they’re interacting with others, and what is on the outside.
[00:10:32] Tesse: And these are things that people see, and it’s important that we are aware of that for myself and for others. But what they don’t see or can’t see is what is underneath the iceberg. So they don’t see the losses. They don’t see their past. They don’t see their feelings or their pain or their regrets or their thoughts or their struggles or their traumas.
[00:10:56] Tesse: my late brother, Tony, used to say that everybody has something they’re dealing with and we should treat them with the kind of respect and positive regard because we never know what someone’s actually dealing with. So in this state of wellness and well being and the choice and the habits we are making, it’s important to have empathy for ourselves and empathy for others.
[00:11:19] Tesse: In addition, we actually have to recognize that the environment that we are in is constantly changing from one day to the next. So we’re actually in a situation where the relationship dynamic shows up. We are dealing with a lot of uncertainty. Post COVID, there’s so many things like hybrid working, remote working.
[00:11:39] Tesse: We need to be able to work as a team, even though we might not see our team members the same way by the water cooler that we used to. And so this whole dynamic becomes even trickier than it was pre COVID.
[00:11:52] Paula: Well, you said something about empathy and, we need to empathize with others and also empathize with ourselves.
[00:12:00] Paula: And that made me got me thinking, now, is it a 50 50 or 75 25, 35 65? How does
[00:12:06] Paula: that work?
[00:12:08] Tesse: Yeah, your question is a really important one and I think that it depends on the situation. So you actually look at the situation that you’re in and, go from there. There’s not going to be a perfect day or a perfect situation.
[00:12:24] Tesse: And there’s not going to be a day when things don’t go belly up really, badly. Like you can get an 80 percent bad day. And 20 percent good day and vice versa. But the important thing is at least to make, build the house while the sun is still shining. Right. Actually, it’s just to have an awareness that you can, one can call on at different times.
[00:12:47] Tesse: So this leads me to something which is about emotional guide and responses. What do I mean by this? We are human beings, right? And not human doings. So we’re human beings. And sometimes. There are elements of threats. So that’s our first instinct. Our first instinct is, Hey, danger, let’s protect ourselves.
[00:13:09] Tesse: And how that shows up is that we can get defensive or we need reassurance that it’s safe, that things are okay, that I’m not, you’re not, I’m not in danger. So people may experience, and I’ve, Paula, I’ve experienced this, I’ve experienced panic attacks, because the rush of adrenaline and the anxiety, I’m feeling unsafe, and then I begin to hyperventilate, and, I’ve learned over the years to get my breathing in a better state, to breathe, and to release a lot of the pressure.
[00:13:43] Tesse: Which comes with not breathing and feeling endangered, but then another emotional response is actually, what could be a good one, which is our drive, what we focus on doing and achieving, what I want to attain. So what goals I’m setting, what kind of way forward am I doing, what do I need, what do I want, what are my concerns I need addressing in a way that I can, have my future plans you achieved and shape. So what is driving? So that’s big to motivations and satisfactions. That’s really important but the third Emotional response can be a soothing one. What soothes me? you know How can I feel calm and connected? And valued and safe, knowing that I belong, knowing that there’s going to be positive regard and that I’m cared for.
[00:14:36] Tesse: It doesn’t, it’s not about a conditional embrace. It is about I’m cared for whatever I am, whoever I am, that I am embraced and I am connected. So those responses of threats. Drive and soothing are really, really important as we begin to think, how can we make healthier choices and being community feeling safer and feeling that we are belonging.
[00:15:03] Paula: I really love that. So. Excuse me, but I’m a mathematician, so I like to think of things in numbers. So does it follow a pattern? Is it these three things? Is it always, our responses are based on either we feel unsafe or threatened, or we feel, driven and we have goals and plans that we are excited about?
[00:15:25] Paula: Or, we feel okay, we’ve reached a point where we can the S for soothing, we can be calm, we can be contented. Does it follow that a pattern of three or
[00:15:37] Paula: these are just.
[00:15:39] Tesse: Yeah. I wish it did follow the pattern that when it’s quite linear, it’s actually more vertical.
[00:15:45] Tesse: Right. Which means that, okay, if hot water pours on my hand, I’m not going to stop and say, I want soothing now. Right. What I’m going to do is I’m going to withdraw my hand and get ice and bandage it up. So because there is real danger, but the reality is that I’m not in danger all the time. But what happens sometimes because of our experiences in the past, et cetera. We can sense being in danger more than we really are. So it’s important that we know how to protect ourselves, but protect ourselves appropriately. Not being, but not being so hyper vigilant that we’re not enjoying life at all. The other bit is that sometimes we need to be able to plan and have. middle term goals and long term goals, not just the immediate future. And I think sometimes what happens is that some people are just thinking of the now, and they’re not planning for the future. A quick example I’d give you is that I was talking to somebody last week, and she’s getting towards the age of retirement, and she has nothing in the retirement pot because she spent everything.
[00:16:51] Paula: Eerie.
[00:16:53] Tesse: And, I tried not to show my feeling of concern, but nothing, absolutely nothing. And I think that Young people, when they’re 20, 21, 22, it’s useful to begin to be, have a longer term that let me put something aside so that when I get to 60 or when I get to 70, there’s something I can draw down on.
[00:17:16] Tesse: So it’s kind of having a drive to be present now and create a future. And then the soothing piece is something that actually a lot of people don’t pay attention to. people are beginning, particularly millennials, are beginning to pay attention to this, their mental health and their mental wealth.
[00:17:32] Tesse: But it really is what do I need to do to recover? What do I need to do to repair? What do I need to do to relax? How can I belong and have that sense of belonging? But in having that sense of belonging, how do I actually take time to enjoy it? So that I slow down. My pace is fine. And I’m able to connect in the moment because my calm state enables me to do that.
[00:18:01] Tesse: So I love your question.
[00:18:02] Paula: And I love, you said be able to enjoy it because we can, calm down. But not enjoy where we are, not still be, I know a lot of people who say, I’m sleeping, but I’m still thinking in my sleep. It’s not a restful sleep or I feel guilty if I rest.
[00:18:23] Paula: That’s not soothing. Is it?
[00:18:25] Tesse: No, I really love what you’re saying because, sometimes when I am doing workshops or even my coaching sessions, my mentoring sessions, I will say to the group I’m with, let’s just close our eyes. Let’s close our eyes for a minute and think of our favorite place, wherever that is.
[00:18:49] Tesse: It could be in a park, could be in our office, could even be in our bed. It could be the Caribbean or whatever it is. Let’s think about it. What are you seeing there? Introduce two or three other things into that setting. What’s happening? Now, what, is, how are you feeling? Just think there.
[00:19:08] Tesse: Are the birds singing? What’s going on there? And we do this and it’s not more than two minutes, of being present in our very secure, safe, pleasurable space. And then gradually I bring them back and say, what’s happening there? You know, how are you feeling that? And you can actually feel that the state has changed because they’ve come from their very present and pleasurable state and they’re back in the room now and they need different space in order to engage.
[00:19:43] Tesse: so that is a very useful, and there are others, but that’s one useful practice to help.
[00:19:49] Paula: Yeah, you almost had me.
[00:19:54] Tesse: Where were you Paula, where were you?
[00:19:56] Paula: Oh yeah,
[00:19:57] Paula: I was actually in the Caribbean
[00:19:58] Paula: at an ice cream store, eating
[00:20:02] Paula: Caribbean. Rum and raisin ice cream. Okay, let’s keep on because making
[00:20:08] Paula: me hungry.
[00:20:10] Tesse: You’re taking me to a good place there with that ice cream. I
[00:20:15] Tesse: can tell you.
[00:20:17] Paula: Alright. Alright. So there are other things that we need to put into consideration. For example, I haven’t, I’ve started working on journaling. Is that something right in the journal of gratitude though?
[00:20:31] Paula: Tell me more.
[00:20:33] Tesse: what evidence shows, and I’ve actually practiced this, is that appreciation and showing an attitude of gratitude is a really healthy way. of enhancing our well being. So being really grateful for little things as well as big things. So I’m pretty grateful even the moment, Paula, of talking to you.
[00:20:55] Tesse: And so you’re going to meet my journal. And I’m one of these people that loves keeping a journal. And I actually kept a gratitude journal for a whole year. And it made so much difference because when I was feeling pretty low and blue, I would go to my journal and I would, look at all the things that I’m grateful for.
[00:21:15] Tesse: The practice that people say is useful, and I do try this, is to think about, at the end of each day, think about three things that… we’re grateful for. If we can’t think of three, maybe one, but at least there must be one thing at least that went well. If we’re alive, there’s one thing that could have gone well.
[00:21:33] Tesse: Now there’s some days that’s not going to happen, but a lot of time we are rewiring our brain when we are focusing not just on the positive, but we’re focusing on what worked well for us, but also what didn’t work and we learned from that could be in an attitude of gratitude. The next thing is.
[00:21:54] Tesse: It’s building optimism by being positive and I’m not talking about unrealistic optimism. That’s just silly. And I know that sometimes I get into that silliness of unrealistic optimism, but it’s just like..
[00:22:06] Paula: Can you give us an example?
[00:22:09] Tesse: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It’s just, okay. I, I can give a real example that I love my work and I run sessions, different sessions and different things, but my content might be.
[00:22:21] Tesse: And I just have like 15 minutes. That is unrealistic optimism, no, yeah, give me the content. So actually being optimistic is saying, I want people to leave with this idea and giving content, which is about five minutes and giving people time to engage. So you really have to have realistic optimism and.
[00:22:42] Tesse: Try as much as possible to focus on the positive, not disregarding the negative, but not letting the negative tilt the perspective so that it becomes all dark and there’s no hope and there’s nothing there. So that’s building something that’s optimistic with reality. But also there’s a piece about finding meaning in what you’re doing.
[00:23:03] Tesse: What is meaningful? what is enjoyable? What is satisfactory? And the search of excellence, the search for meaning is a lifelong thing. But actually in life without purpose, without meaning can sometimes be quite difficult. And I think sometimes it might lead to depression if we don’t feel that.
[00:23:23] Tesse: That there’s a reason for us being alive or there’s a reason for us to be here, then it can be very difficult. And Paula, I’ve been there. I’ve been, there’ve been times when I’ve had really life changing situations and I thought, why am I here? But guess what? What has really helped me is having somebody who cares and who shares their time, their listening time.
[00:23:46] Tesse: And sometimes I’ve had to have counseling. Sometimes I’ve had to have coaches to help me to connect with what. meaning is for me in that period of my life.
[00:23:58] Paula: That season of your life. Yeah. Okay. I cannot totally understand that. And I know that more and more as, We learn to be more vulnerable and more open with our emotions and ourselves.
[00:24:11] Paula: we find out there’s healing that comes with that because many times, we think we are alone in the way we are feeling or the experiences we are having at that particular time, but then being vulnerable and talking about how we feel, find out that there are people who are experiencing.
[00:24:28] Paula: Yeah. The same things and their resources. There is help. I love what you’re talking about, taking care of ourselves, looking out for ourselves. as we why we look after others. All right, so With, in that same way, how can we support ourselves? is there anything that
[00:24:47] Paula: you suggest, sleep, healthy, relaxing, talking, what
[00:24:52] Paula: would you
[00:24:54] Paula: say?
[00:24:55] Tesse: Yeah, there are a number of practical ideas, maybe not all at once, but before I touch on them, you touched on a really important thing, which is being able to ask for help. And also being able to receive help. Right. People are not mind readers, so people are not always going to be able to pick up the cues that either you need help.
[00:25:19] Tesse: So sometimes we need to be able to ask for what we need. we have sometimes we’re afraid of somebody’s no, but actually we need to ask. No won’t kill us. Right? Not asking me. So, asking for help is an important thing. But the other thing is being able to receive help as well.
[00:25:41] Tesse: Because sometimes people want to offer that and can offer, and we need to be able to receive those things. So, it’s giving and receiving. And that might be asking for feedback. Receiving feedback, we might need support in terms of someone, coming to check in on us. And allowing them to check in and say, Oh, I’d be really grateful if you can check in maybe once in a month and see how I’m going on or whatever.
[00:26:06] Tesse: Or you want to do something new and something different and you get an accountability partner to walk with you. But some of the ways you can support ourselves are to care by having a good wellbeing routine. We’ve talked about that. To get enough sleep. To eat well and actually to eat immune boosting foods like fruit and vegetables, nuts and seeds, the diversity of these foods matter.
[00:26:30] Tesse: Being able to reduce our caffeine and alcohol intake, exercise can help. 10 15 minutes walk, brisk walk, be creative, draw, paint, bake, write, poetry for me, dancing. Yeah. Yeah. Being able to relax, maybe a bath or a shower, that can help yoga, music, meditation, simply slowing down, relax.
[00:26:56] Paula: That’s a big part. what doesn’t get done today?
[00:27:03] Tesse: Yeah, absolutely.
[00:27:05] Paula: Prioritizing your, your to do list. there’s some of us. I’m recovering from that where. I’d have this long to do list and I want to make sure I check every box, and if I didn’t check it, it’s like, oh my gosh, I didn’t, today
[00:27:21] Paula: wasn’t a fruitful day, but that’s,
[00:27:25] Paula: now I’ve learned that tomorrow’s another day.
[00:27:27] Paula: So what didn’t get done today after prior, yeah. Prioritize my list, get it done today. Well,
[00:27:34] Paula: tomorrow’s another day.
[00:27:36] Tesse: Absolutely. Tomorrow’s another day. And you think like working smarter, not harder, find ways of worrying less. and keeping things simple because those are very helpful things. And the final thing in terms of how it can help us is to probably be more collaborative.
[00:27:56] Tesse: We don’t have to do everything. we can work in cooperation and collaboration with other people and develop a network of support. And we can work to our strengths. I mean, to do that, we need to know what our strengths are, to work, to use our talents, but also to know that. Our strengths are not other people’s strengths, but their strengths would minimize my weaknesses or areas for development.
[00:28:22] Tesse: And that’s why I love Paula working with you because we, I think we compliment each other in a healthy way.
[00:28:28] Paula: We do.
[00:28:29] Tesse: Yeah.
[00:28:30] Paula: Yes. Yes.
[00:28:31] Tesse: Yeah.
[00:28:32] Paula: That’s why I’m so grateful for, first of all, you saying yes to
[00:28:36] Paula: being on this show and sharing all what you’ve shared, which is priceless. So for allowing me to be a co host on your podcast.
[00:28:46] Tesse: I mean, I love that. I love that. I’d round up everything that was said by saying, don’t sweat the small stuff, enjoy life as much as we have. Time for, and every day, one step at a time, mini goals. So just to, bring it together, I talk about the framework. I talked about the foundation.
[00:29:10] Tesse: I talked about the pillars and then, strategies for relaxation and restoration and practical things like journaling and diet that brings it together, but enjoy as much as we can in order to be well. And take healthy things to help us help others.
[00:29:32] Paula: Take healthy things to help us help others.
[00:29:38] Tesse: Yeah.
[00:29:38] Paula: Just the theme of today, recovery. I have to read this. How do we look after ourselves while looking after others? Yeah.
[00:29:52] Paula: So Tesse, you’ve shared so much. And given us so much nuggets of wellbeing,
[00:29:59] Paula: of course, but if someone wants to, get in touch with you, where would they find you?
[00:30:04] Tesse: Traditional, I go traditional way, old fashioned websites.
[00:30:08] Tesse: I mean, old fashioned website is really important because old fashioned website, www. tesseakpeki. com. And www. tesseleads. com, which is linked to my podcast, then we go socials. Okay. So I hang out a lot on LinkedIn, Tesse Akpeki, I keep it simple. And X, which was formerly Twitter, Tesse Akpeki. And I think for people who really want to get a sense of my heart and my attachment to keeping well, visiting my other alter ego, Smiley Tesse on Instagram is a way of seeing things that I use to help me to stay well.
[00:30:50] Tesse: My poetry and my heart is in SmileyTesse.
[00:30:55] Paula: And folks, you need to check out her IG page, smiley Tesse. I always knew that she was a poet, poetess, I guess is the word, but I’ve been blown away by how well she writes those poems and they’re deep, they have meaning. She’s not just writing it just for writing it’s sake.
[00:31:20] Paula: There’s therapy in it on both sides being therapeutic. Am I speaking on your behalf to
[00:31:26] Paula: say
[00:31:26] Tesse: No,
[00:31:27] Paula: Yeah, there’s, it’s been therapy for you. And I have three or four people who know that I’m connected with you reach out to me to say, wow, this is amazing. This is truly amazing.
[00:31:40] Tesse: It’s soothing. Very soothing.
[00:31:42] Paula: Thank you, Tesse.
[00:31:43] Paula: for coming on Chatting With The Experts, TV show. You’ve blessed me as I know you’ve blessed others.
[00:31:53] Tesse: You’ve definitely blessed me, Paula, and I hope that something that we’ve shared today will help other people to help others as they help themselves stay healthy.
[00:32:03] Paula: Absolutely. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.