Conquer Imposter Syndrome: Confidence Strategies for Women

Paula: [00:00:00] Hello, everyone. Welcome to another episode of Chatting with the Experts TV show hosted by me, Paula Okonneh, where I bring women to you. Women who are from Africa, from the Caribbean, and in the diaspora. These women are professionals and/or successful business owners, entrepreneurs, and their mission they share with me is that we inspire, we educate, and we empower women globally. I sometimes have men, but 99. 9 percent of the time, my guests are women. So today, the title of our show is Confidence The Game Changer, and we’re going to be talking about having confidence as a gateway to achieving your goals and making money, [00:01:00] who doesn’t like that, and living the life that you deserve.
With me to do that will be, Constance Howard, and she is a successful executive coach that’s dedicated to empowering professional women to overcome limiting beliefs and self doubt, and she helps them write the next great chapter of their life. And now that I’ve given you a snippet of her bio, why don’t I welcome Constance to the show.
Hi Constance.
Constance: Hi, how are you? It’s good to be here.
Paula: It’s good to have you here. And as you heard me say, I just gave a snippet of your bio. So can you just share with us a little bit about you before we go into the full interview.
Constance: Well, I’m originally from upstate New York, a small town in upstate New York. You know, everybody thinks New York is New York City [00:02:00] and has a whole vast, you know, upstate New York area. And that’s where I’m from. So I was from a small town. And all I ever wanted to do was to shake the dust of that small town off. You know, I wanted to be any place other than upstate New York. And so I went to college and I, you know, I often say I got bit by the TV bug because from that moment on, I wanted to do nothing else but TV news.
And that really was the gateway to my life. You know, to opening up doors in my life that, you know, a small town kid could never imagine. And then, you know, and it was great. I loved it. I worked all over the country, you know, I did all kinds of stories and it was great until it wasn’t great. And then I wanted to get out and I struggled with how to do that and who was I, if I wasn’t a TV news executive. I mean, you know, who would pay attention to me ? And so when I [00:03:00] decided to go into coaching, it was because I know what it’s like to feel a lack of confidence. And I know what it’s like to think, the best is behind me, and there’s nothing ahead of me. And so what do you do?
Paula: And so what do you do? And that’s a feeling that a lot of women have.
Constance: Mm-hmm.
Paula: Yes, professional women, you know, as well as, you know, women who are in other positions in life where they’re actually professional, but they don’t think what I’m doing is worthwhile.
Constance: Absolutely. It’s a little bit of the imposter syndrome, you know, where you think like everybody else around you is smarter and more talented and you’re just you, you know, and that was me. I’d walk into a room and I think, wow, everybody looks smarter. And now the key word here is looks, you know, because I had nothing to base that on. And, but that was my feeling. I felt like everybody else was smarter and more [00:04:00] talented and you know, who am I? I mean, and listen, I have won four Emmys and countless other awards.
So I had validation that I was very talented and very gifted in the TV news business, but inside I didn’t feel that way. And I think, you know, a lot of women suffer with the imposter syndrome. It’s something that happens to men and women, but women tend to suffer with it more than men. And I think it’s partly because of the insidious messages that we get every single day that you’re not enough.
Paula: Yes.
Constance: You know, despite all of your work and, you know, you’re just not enough, you know, I think about the recent US election, you know, that was a big, you’re just not enough, you’re not ready. There’s, you know, it doesn’t matter all of the things that you do accomplish, you know, represent, it’s not [00:05:00] enough. And so women take that to heart. And so when it’s time for us to, you know, look around and to make a transition into something else we’re clueless. We are totally clueless.
Paula: You hit the nail on the head. We’re totally clueless. And so that’s where you come into play, you know, helping women, you know, identify and boost and know that there’s every reason to be confident.
Constance: Absolutely. And sometimes, you know, our lives are the result of the stories we tell ourselves. And so when we tell ourselves that we’re not enough and that we, when we co-sign that story, you know, then we wonder why we lack confidence, but it’s really, it’s because of the story that we tell ourselves. You know, I spent 40 years in TV news and I told myself I wasn’t a good writer and I was critiquing the writing of reporters and producers. And, you know, it had to go through me before it could get on air. [00:06:00] And yet I told myself I wasn’t a good writer and it wasn’t until I stopped and I listed my limiting beliefs and that was one of them.
I listed my limiting belief and I sat back and I thought, well, what is the truth here? This is one of the exercise I take women through. They list their limiting beliefs and then they have to realize what the truth is. The truth is I spent 40 years in the industry based on my writing. Right. I bought four Emmys and countless other awards based on my writing. You know what I mean? You go through what is the real truth here? Okay. And at some point you have to say to yourself, wow, I’ve been telling myself a lie. And I’ve been telling myself a lie for a very long time. And so we slowly start to turn it around.
Paula: So how do you, okay. You said like for yourself, you know, some of your clients, you make them write down all the things that they’re telling [00:07:00] themselves. How do you actually, after that, help them see the importance of having confidence, importance of looking at that list and see what’s the lie and what’s the truth.
Constance: Well, the one thing that I hit him with right off the bat is your lack of confidence affects your bottom line. When women feel like they’re not enough. Right. They go into performance reviews thinking I’m not enough. I’m just going to take whatever they offer me and just be happy with that because I don’t want to rock the boat. And what if they, you know, maybe they’re thinking about layoffs and maybe I’m all part of the layoffs. So I’m not going to ask for more money. You know, I’m just going to take what they give me and I’ll complain about it, but I’m not going to say anything. That’s what we do. And so we walk away and we leave money on the table because we think we’re not enough. We stay in positions that we’ve outgrown for years because we think [00:08:00] we’re not enough because we don’t have the confidence to go for another job, you know, we settle.
We simply settle and doing that we lose ourselves, you know, I’ve talked with women who after years in a position, you know, and after years of raising their children, typically what happens is their children grow up and they don’t need them anymore. They’re off to college and they’re off to starting their lives. And so the last thing they want is for mom to be dragging behind them at college, you know, it’s like, no, mom, I don’t want you to do my laundry, you know? And so women, you know, that’s a wake up call, you know, right there because you were this child’s everything. And now they’re like, Bye, you know, deuces. I’m out. And and you look over so many of them look over and they’re like, who’s that man over there?
Paula: Yes. Who am I?
Constance: Yeah. And who am I? And so that’s a wake up call. And that sense of, I don’t know who [00:09:00] I am can weigh heavy on a woman, you know, weighs heavy on anyone, but for women, then we, you know, we go into a depression because we think. Where did it all go? And what happened? It seems like in the twinkling of an eye, it all goes away. You know, this happened to my sister. She was a football mom and she arranged for the football parties and she did all that kind of stuff like that. You know, if there was going to be a party for the team, she was the one to do it.
And then my nephew went off to college and she was like, yeah, I remember her saying to me, I used to be fun. I used to be a fun person. Who am I? You know? And so, and I think a lot of women go through that. It’s like, well, who am I now? And then some women are addicted to the paycheck. You know, it’s not easy to walk away from that paycheck. You know, it’s like, you know, every two weeks or once a month or however way it’s configured, you kind of get a [00:10:00] dopamine hit, you know, like, okay, this is great. I’m going to get, you know, X amount of money. And so I’ll shop away my feelings or I’ll mani pedi away my feelings. And you know, we’ll do that kind of thing.
Paula: And also this justifies whatever, you know, I’m going throughout work, what I may not agree with, but I’m just keeping quiet just to go along. This justifies it. So, you know.
Constance: Absolutely. And so for a lot of women they take, you know, stock of where they are and what they want. And they decide to do the really brave work of figuring out the next chapter of their life. So, that’s difficult. That’s very difficult. And so they decide to do the tough work of figuring out what their next chapter is. And it’s hard work. I’m not going to say it’s not it’s not hard. It is hard because you’re confronting some feelings [00:11:00] that you’ve been burying for a long time.
Paula: Yes. And anything that’s stuffed down after a point, you know, you got to rock bottom and it can’t go any, you know, you can’t squish it anymore. It’s going to come back up.
Constance: And it’s usually something small. You know, I it was a snowstorm in Washington, D. C. And you know, I was having trouble with the crew, you know, sending them wherever they needed to be for the snow storm. Snow storms, and TV news is like the NFL, you know, because everybody’s going to be at home and, you know, you want to make sure your crews are where they, you know, where they can get the pictures and talk to people who are stuck and all that kind of stuff like that.
And the crew went to a dark road. And I said, you know, can we relocate to, you know, a convenience store where there’s going to be more activity? And they said, well, you didn’t tell us that. And I thought, I’m in , you know, one of the major markets in America. And we shouldn’t, you know, a seasoned [00:12:00] journalist should know I’m not going to go to a road that’s not going to have any activity to it. And in that moment, I thought, enough, enough. And I wrote my letter of resignation.
Paula: Wow.
Constance: It took me two years to figure it out, but that was like my breaking point. You know, that was the point when I said, enough I don’t have to do this. Anything is better than the stress of what I’m going through right now.
Paula: I can only imagine because I mean, It’s a day where you thought they’d take the initiative. You didn’t have to micromanage and that’s an additional stress being put on you.
Constance: Right. Yeah. So, two years later,
Paula: Looking at the news and [00:13:00] that. Oh boy.
Constance: So I wrote the resignation letter. And it’s funny because the letter was like, dear, my boss’s name dear, whoever I’ve enjoyed my time here. Thank you so much for the opportunities, blah, blah, blah. I will be doing blank because I had no idea. I had no idea.
Paula: Hmmm, and that’s a big one. When you know what you’re stepping away from, but you don’t know what you’re stepping into.
Constance: Absolutely. Absolutely. Scary. So when I figured it out, you know, there’s a whole, you know, transition that you have to do. You know, I coach women in that. And how do I make this It’s monumental change in my life. And you know, it really starts with you going back to what your core values are, what you want your life to look like. And I think what happens [00:14:00] to… what happens to all of us, but you know, I deal mainly with women because we’re always affected by this more than men.
What happens to us is that we are handed a manual on success and the manual says, here’s what success is for you. You’re going to get married. You’re going to have kids. You’re going to, you know, you’re going to work and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That’s what success looks like for you. And women buy it, you know, I bought it, you know, I bought it, you know, success was having a big house.
Success was having money coming in. Success was I can, you know, go to a store and buy whatever I want. Success was I can travel wherever I wanted to go. Success was having a title. You know, all of those things meant something to me, especially a small town kid, you know, who was only wanted to shake the dust of this small town off.
I just wanted to get it off of me. And so [00:15:00] that was success. And then 40 years later, I woke up and thought, wow, I was sold the bill of goods. I was sold the bill of goods that there is a cost to however way you define success, there’s a cost associated with it. Now, midpoint in my career, I would have said to you, I’m willing to pay that cost because I’m loving this, you know, But there comes a point where you go, wait a second, is this the life I want?
Is this the cost I want to pay for the life that I want? And you know, I decided, no, I don’t want that stress. I don’t want to live with that pressure every single day of what are the ratings? How’s the show? How are the crews? I didn’t want to live like that anymore. So I was willing to give up something in order to get something.
Paula: When you wrote that letter of resignation, you said, I am going to do, [00:16:00] and there was a blank. Listening to you say that about two minutes ago, I’m still coming back to it. I could just imagine the butterflies in your stomach.
Constance: Butterflies in my stomach, but weights lifted off my shoulders.
Paula: That’s a good one.
Constance: Because no one had power over me. So you see, my boss could say, Connie, I want you to arrange for, you know, Mickey and Minnie to come on the set and, you know, do whatever, you know, he couldn’t make any outrageous demand of me. He could request, you know, whatever for the show, right? And for me, that was, okay, I’m going to go and do it because I’m going to prove that I’m worthy of this position. So I’m going to make any, even outrageous request. I’m going to try and make that happen. [00:17:00] Once I decided that this was not my life and that I was going to move on, right?
Ooh, I’m free. I am free. I don’t have to jump those hoops. You don’t have the threat of you’re going to get a bad review or the threat of you’re going to not win the ratings war, the threat of you’re going to be fired, the threat of whatever, right? No longer hung over my head. And I was able to be more realistic about what I was doing. So, you know, let me just back over here a second. I was in charge of the morning newscast which is the moneymaker for many stations because people are not staying up late to watch TV news. They’re not staying up late to watch the evening news. They tend to get up early because they got to get their kids up and you know, so that’s where a lot of stations make money.
And that’s where [00:18:00] this station that I worked for made a lot of money. So the ratings were critically important. Being first and all that was critically important. The morning show started at 4 a. m., which means everybody’s working overnight.
Paula: Yes.
Constance: So I got in at 1 a. m, but to get in at 1 a. m, you know, I would get up at 10 p. m. the night before and I do go through my routine. I do prayer meditation. Then I’d watch the 11 o’clock news and I make my lunch and I live about an hour away from the station. So I had to factor all that in. So 10 p. m. I started work at 1 a. m. The show started at four a. m. It was over at seven, but then you have to get ready for the next day. [00:19:00] Everybody else comes in at nine o’clock fresh as a daisy, right? They’re in at nine o’clock thinking your day just started too. No, my day started at 10 p.m. The day before. So it was not unusual for my day to go from 1 a.m. To 12 noon.
Paula: That’s almost 24 hours. 12 hours. 11 hours.
Constance: It’s more. Yeah. Yeah. So that’s my day. It’s going into noon. It could go into one o’clock and hopefully there’ll be no major news story or anything that I’d really have to kind of like start over for the day.
Paula: Wow.
Constance: Then I’d get home at two. So sleep patterns are totally off.
Paula: Off.
Constance: Because then when you hit Friday, you want to be a normal person, so you’d stay up late to, you know, do whatever, and then you’d crash, and then Sunday afternoon, you have to go to bed at 2, 2 or 3, [00:20:00] so you can get back up at 10.
Paula: At 10. And you did that for how many years?
Constance: 5. And it seemed normal to me. Until I stopped and realized this is not normal. This is not normal for me. Now, I’m not knocking the position. Listen, I love TV news. I loved it. As I told you in the beginning, it opened doors for me. But at 40 years in,
Paula: It was not for you.
Constance: Was not for this stage.
Paula: Yeah. Wow. So, you know, but coming to that realization is almost the opposite of imposter syndrome because now you realize who you were and what you wanted and what you didn’t want. Whereas with imposter syndrome, you’re like, why am I here?
Constance: Why am I here?
Paula: Yeah.
Constance: Yes. And imposter syndrome, you develop working behaviors that are just are not normal [00:21:00] procrastination, you know, you gotta be the expert on everything, you know?
Paula: Yeah.
Constance: You work around the clock, you know, you’re the superwoman. Those are all little indicators that you’re not thinking about your true worth and you’re not thinking about what you bring to the table.
Paula: So how do you help women to fight that?
Constance: As I said, it goes back to what are your core values? Let’s get back in touch with who you are and what you want, what’s important to you. You know, let’s start with what’s important to you. And so we walk through a couple of exercises like that and you know, we go through some soul searching and talking about that and then you go through your limiting beliefs and then you design your life. If you could live any life, what kind of life would you lead? What would you do? Let What kinds of things make you happy? What’s your passion? What’s your [00:22:00] joy? And then let’s build your life from there. Let’s start there. It’s key that you define what success is, because I think a lot of women will say, it’s no longer the money.
I can’t get another pair of Louis Vuittons. I don’t want another Chanel bag. I don’t need those things. You know, I don’t need those things. So you’ve just freed yourself from, you know, what it is that you thought you needed, you thought gave you worth and value. You realize that, wow, it doesn’t give me any worth or value.
Paula: And the freedom that comes with that is, you know, It’s just amazing.
Constance: Right. It’s amazing. You tend to value things differently. I remember I was having a conversation with my nephew and he’s the only child in the family. And, you know, I was among the first [00:23:00] African-American news directors. Those are the people who run the department in the country, you know, and so, I thought it was a big deal that I was in TV news and let’s go to the station and those people you see on TV, I work with them. As a matter of fact, I’m their boss, you know, and so I’m just chatting with him. And he says to me.
I don’t even know how old he was. He wasn’t he was maybe like five or six. He said, I’m going to get a good job when I grow up. So, you know, me confident that he was going to say I had a good job. I said, really do you think I have a good job? And he said, no. And I was like, Well, that’s a gut punch. He said, no. He said, you work all the time, and you’re always tired, and you don’t really have time.
Paula: Wow. That’s out of the mouth of [00:24:00] babes.
Constance: Yes. That was a gut punch.
Paula: And how long after hearing that did you now start thinking, Hmm
Constance: mm-Hmm. . It was like another seed in the back of my another seat. Yeah.
Paula: Yeah. You know, I’m loving this conversation. Yeah. Because, you know, I’m at the age now where I have a lot of friends, acquaintances, or you know, people that my kids went to school with, their parents, and so many things are changing. In so many ways, you know.
Constance: So many ways.
Paula: Yeah.
Constance: And sometimes, you know, I have some clients where the situation is forced on them, you know, like you said, things change. And, you know, and so they have to go find something else to do.
Paula: Yes.
Constance: And you [00:25:00] realize that you gave a lot to a company that isn’t going to give back to you.
Paula: And you realize too that, you know, you are dispensable. It’s a position and they fill it with somebody else. But you know that takes time.
Sometimes you’re much older before you realize that.
Constance: Yes.
Paula: Because when you get that job, you’re like, right, as you said at the beginning, I identify myself with my job, my salary or whatever, the trappings that go along with it.
Constance: Yes.
Paula: And then you get sometimes to a certain age and as you came to the realization that I no longer want to do this.
Constance: No, right.
Paula: And you see that they can find somebody else.
Constance: Absolutely.
Paula: And they will find someone else.
Constance: And they will find somebody else.
Paula: Yeah.
Constance: They will find somebody else. And I think one of the things that we struggle with is you know, [00:26:00] shoulda, woulda, coulda. And even after women leave, sometimes they’re, you know, they’re hooked to the past. You know, they think about things that happened, you know, I should have said this. I could have said, you know what I mean? You play that game. Like I really should have told him off years ago. You know, it’s almost like talking about your ex-boyfriend. Like I really should have dumped him years ago, but you know what?
Everybody has their journey and every journey has its, you know, its season. Things, jobs have a season, people sometimes have a season, and we have to realize that. And take it for what it is. You know, your job is not meant to be where you find your, you know, love and compassion and all those things, you know, that you get from your significant relationships. And I think a lot of times we think that. We go into positions and we think that’s our family. You know, we say [00:27:00] things like, wow, they’re just like family. Well, the key words here are just like, right. Just like, you know, so. We have to remember that as women, when we go into positions, you know, and some women go from a position into another position, you know, and if that’s what they want, then, you know, I’m very happy for them.
I’m not saying that, you know, most women quit and go create their own business if that’s not their thing. But typically by the time they, you know, are in a position for a long time and they go into another position, they’re able to know their worth, know their value a little bit better, and they’re better able to establish boundaries, you know, and they’re better able to enforce boundaries. And that’s really key.
Paula: That is key. It’s almost like you’re hitting the reset button. So as you say, you come into the table with a lot more than when you started originally.
Constance: Yeah. [00:28:00]
Paula: Constance, as I said, minutes goes by very fast. But there’s one thing that I would love you to touch on. If you were to I would say, speak to your younger self. Well, let’s say, let’s speak to young ladies, because we are talking about women, you push professional women, which means that they’ve had, I mean, they’re older than 20, they’ve had some years.
Constance: Yeah.
Paula: So if you were to say to a young woman, because we’re speaking primarily to women. A young woman who’s graduating from college, she’s probably going to go get her a second degree or whatever. And of course, she’s looking at the job market. How would you tell her it’s best to position herself so that 20, 30 years later, she’s not at the point where the women that you’re speaking to are.
Constance: I would say, don’t lose yourself. Don’t lose yourself in a position, you know, always have boundaries, you know, don’t go into a position thinking that [00:29:00] you’re going to give it everything that you have. Right. You need to know, constantly remind yourself of your worth. And, you know, I mean, I have clients now who are kind of building their career and you know, my thing with them is know your worth. Every day, remind yourself of who you are, the skills that you bring to the table, the strength that you have, and make sure that in the course of your day, when you’re dealing with your supervisor, you know, make sure that you have boundaries.
Make sure that they can’t talk to you, you know, just any kind of way. They can’t just disregard how you feel. When you are on a job or when you’re going for a job, know that it is a two-way street. It’s a two-way street. You give and they give. You can’t give everything you have and then they don’t have anything for you at the end of that. They’ve gotta, you know, [00:30:00] indicate what is the promotion path here. How do I build my career here? How do I build who I am as a person here? And if that path isn’t available to you, then you need to know that, you know, maybe this is a great move for you, but it’s not your final move. Always be thinking strategically.
Don’t go in there and lose your heart. You got to go into it strategically and you got to know, okay, I’m here for X period and I’m going to get ABC. And when I get ABC, if they don’t have a path for me, then I’m going someplace else. I just want to tell you this quick story. I was working in Raleigh, North Carolina, and I was a producer. There were no black producers at the time, and I was producing a newscast. And I asked, this is going to date me, I asked for like $36,000. And they said no, there’s no way we could pay you $36,000. [00:31:00] And I went home and I called my mom and I was like, and they said this and they’re not going to pay me the money.
And my mother was just like, she was like, uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. And she said, well, Connie, they have the right to pay you whatever they think you’re worth. That’s their prerogative. You have the right to work for what you think you are worth. Now, what are you going to do? And, you know, that was like cold water in my face. Cause I was like, now, wait a minute. I called to cry some more. I called. So, you know, you, I didn’t expect that slap in the face, but it woke me up. And then within two weeks, because there were no, as I said, no black producers. Within two weeks, I got a job for Atlanta, Georgia. And I came in and I said you know, I’m leaving because they’re willing to pay me what I want.
And they did a 180. They said, wait a minute, wait a minute. We didn’t say we wouldn’t, you know, they backpedaled. And not only did they pay me the money, but [00:32:00] they said, we’re going to put you on a career path. And you will go from, I started there as a reporter, I became a producer. Then I became an executive producer and then I became a news director and that’s how that was my path because I came and said just because my mom threw that cold water in my face and said they could pay you let them do whatever they want to do You have the right to work for what you think you are worth. Never forget that That’s what I would tell a young woman. You never forget that don’t settle.
Paula: Don’t Settle. Yes. Oh my god. That was such wisdom from your mouth, you know.
Constance: Yeah.
Paula: Kudos to moms.
Constance: Yes. She was fearless and you know, I’ll never forget that. For 36, 000 and they tap danced all around it and ended up giving me that and more.
Paula: That more. Look at that.
Constance: Yeah.
Paula: I think we’ll end on that. No, it didn’t say young [00:33:00] women don’t settle, don’t settle.
Constance: Don’t settle, and that goes for any age group, area of your life.
Paula: Yes.
Constance: So if you’re looking over at, you know, Ray Ray and you’re thinking, okay, well, I guess I’ll marry him. Don’t settle.
Paula: Don’t settle. That’s a good one. So, I mean, we know that we have a live audience who are going to be asking you questions, but for those who are not going to be in the audience and who will be looking at this later on, how can people contact you online? Cause I love that. Don’t settle.
Constance: I’m going to send everybody to my website because that has all my contact information and if they want to make an appointment you know, I allow people to do a 15 minute, I call it a discovery, you know, where we talk about what it is that’s challenging you and see if we’re a good fit, that sort of thing. You can find me at constancehowardllc.com. And that take you right to my website and it has videos that I’ve [00:34:00] done. You can get to my YouTube channel and all kinds of things there. So cconstancehowardllc.com..
Paula: Awesome. Awesome. And I always say to those in the audience and those who are going to listen to this, or look at this later, if you’d love to be a guest, just like Constance is and has been visit my website.
Constance: Yes.
Paula: And you will be able to contact me there or you can contact me on LinkedIn. For the most part, I answer. I’m more active on LinkedIn than any other social media platforms, but I’m also on Instagram and my handle there is at chat_experts_podcast, and I’m on Facebook. As we said at the beginning, this show is to inspire, empower, and educate women globally. And Constance has done exactly that.
Constance: Oh, thank you so much. I’ve enjoyed my visit.
Paula: Thank you so much. And of course to the live audience, please [00:35:00] stick around so that you can speak with Constance directly. And you know, just as her mom said, don’t settle. And that was a slap on her face and she woke her up. Constance will tell you something else that you need to hear and wake you up so that you can be the best you.
Constance: Yes.
Paula: Thank you.