Multidirectional Communication: Enhancing Parenting Skills

Paula: [00:00:00] Welcome to another episode of Chatting With The Experts TV show hosted by me, Paula Okonneh. Every week I put on a show in which I have mainly women. We have some men who inspire, educate, and empower women globally. And last week, our topic was Multidirectional Communication for Effective Parenting. This week, we continue that topic because we had such a positive feedback and so much interaction that the common question we had that day was, when is there a part two?
And so today is part two. I’ll introduce my guest again just in case you didn’t get part one and you’re just tuning on to part two. But of course, I always ask my guests to expand more on themselves. So let me just tell you a snippet about her. Her name is Dr. [00:01:00] Ayo Adenuga. She’s a physician. She’s a distinguished public health expert physician, and she’s a visionary founder of IEA Impact Consultant. She’s very passionate about removing barriers to care and improving health outcomes and leadership skills for underserved population. Today, we are continuing part two, and so I’m not going to waste too much time introducing her because you got to look at part one to hear what we’re talking about today. And so with that, I want to welcome Dr. Ayo Adenuga to Chatting with the Experts.
Ayo: Thank you. I’m so honored to be back here again. As you said, we had a fantastic time last week. It was engaging. It was interactive. A lot of questions and we are back again just to continue and make sure that those questions that are being asked, we [00:02:00] will address them, you know, in a comprehensible and holistic manner. So today because some people might not have joined us last week, I’ll just give a very quick recap of what multidirectional communication is. It’s just communication across multiple channels, okay, in different directions, removing all hierarchy, removing all barriers, and making sure that everybody’s been heard, and there’s connection in the home or even in organizations, and there’s that bond that just brings people together because everybody feels heard, everybody feels seen, and everybody is in a safe space within themselves and outwards.
So we spoke about the four types of communication, which is Self communication. We have the top down, up down communication. We have the horizontal communication and external communication. So, the first thing we spoke about is self communication and that’s creating this positivity within yourself. Making sure that you’re in a safe space to be happy. You are intentional about having positivity [00:03:00] within yourself and you are in a place whereby you can pour from a full cup to your family. And we said the four things you need to do is the four C’s. Number one, curiosity. Every day. Ask yourself, how do I feel today?
What is my body telling me? The second one is connection. How am I connecting to the higher power than myself? I’m a faith based person and that’s God. And also communicate to myself through affirmations. Connect with myself through affirmation. The other thing is compassion. Being kind to yourself, having self care, and the fourth is collaboration, leveraging other people around you, either family, friends, or even coaches. Making sure that you don’t hide that thing that continues to kill you. Then the other thing we spoke about is communicating with your partner. How do you communicate with your partner so that you’re on the same page? And Because you’re both aligned, you’re able to show, model what it takes to live in harmony to your children.
So the [00:04:00] first thing is be intentional about building relationships with your spouse. Because when you build that positive relationship there’s less defensiveness, there’s less bitterness in the relationship, because that relationship is there, then validate your husband or your partner husband or wife, because he had men joining us as well. So validate their feeling. Don’t throw it away. Don’t feel they’re not enough. Avoid criticism, avoid being judged or judging your partner focus on affection, focus on communication, focus on being kind, being respectful, and focus on collaboration. Let it be us versus the world, not me and my partner against ourselves, because it really breaks down a lot of things.
Then have a positive regard for your spouse, either male or female, have a positive regard for them. Just show the children that this person is the authority in this home. The husband can say, my wife is the authority in this home when I’m not around. You children need to listen to her. All the wife respects the husband’s authority and ensure that everybody aligns. So that’s so important to that. [00:05:00] Yes.
Paula: Yeah.
Ayo: So that’s a recap.
Paula: Thank you so much. Because, you know, as we said, it was Multidirectional Communication for Effective Parenting. And so a lot of what you were saying was so that children would also be able to mirror what they see in the home at a later stage of life. And so that’s kind of what you’re delving in today, right? Communicate.
Ayo: Absolutely. And I want to say that parenting and communicating to our children is just a fulcrum of relationship. Many relationships thrive on that communication and connection. And it’s where we communicate effectively that we can build that bond that tests the trials of time that would come. And parenting can be hard. Parenting is lifelong. It’s lifelong. It never stops.
Paula: Tell me about it.
Ayo: But there are different stages and different levels. But one thing I heard recently is parenting is not about the [00:06:00] children. It’s not about the teenagers. It’s about us. Okay. If not it would have been called maybe childing. So parenting.
Paula: Tell me that again. Parenting is not about the children. So it’s not about, you know, the infant or the toddler or the, as you said, the tweens, the teens, and even the young adults. It’s about us.
Ayo: It’s about us. How do we show up? How do we communicate? How do we modulate things? How do I ensure that at the end of the day, we set the tone? So we don’t react based on our children’s reaction. We react based on what’s the outcome we want to see. And that’s where most parents lose it. They feel it’s about the child, it’s about the child, and this child has to get it right, this child is this, and we don’t look inwards of what we can do. Many times we also react because we are scared. Being fearful of losing control of our children, being [00:07:00] fearful of the child, if the child does something bad, you’re like, Oh, I didn’t do well. I must be a failure as a parent. And then you scream internally and scream externally, right? Because they are just here. They just want to still be in control.
We’re also scared of what this child is going to be a negative outcome. But in all that situation, we don’t even have control over our children throughout their lifetime, they would grow to be 18, 21. They’re going to leave and be in charge of their family And then do you really have control? No, so let’s talk about what it takes to be an effective parent. I mentioned four things last week and as number one, what do you want your children to know? What are you going to communicate with them?
Paula: Yes.
Ayo: Second, what do you want your children to see? Third, what do you want your children to feel? And then what do you want them to do? We are going to break this down into various things. So the first thing is that what do you want them to know?
Paula: What do you want them to know? Okay. If you see my [00:08:00] hand, that’s because I’m writing. Alright.
Ayo: Please. Please do.
Paula: Okay.
Ayo: And everybody out there, please. As you’re listening, please jot down, write down, you would go back to your notes and review them. They’ll be very helpful to you.
Paula: Yes.
Ayo: So the fourth, I have three G’s and one C. Number one is grit. The first G is grit. Now you need to let your family, your children know about the family values. That’s the principle you stand on. So it’s not about how I feel. It’s not about my ego. It’s about the values. It’s about integrity, honesty, discipline, respect, love, kindness. So when the behavior doesn’t align, you can point them back to those values. So you need to teach your children that they know the family values. The second thing we need to teach our children is being able to problem-solve when there are issues. How do you [00:09:00] manage those issues so that even when I’m not there, you’re able to address that correctly? And many at times, we manage our children.
We control our children. No, we will want them to manage themselves. So when we are not there. They can persevere, they can go on, right? Those are the things we want them to do, not to quit at any point in time, but to persevere. I’ll give you a quick story. So, my daughters went on a turkey trot. It’s like a mini marathon in their school. So we started running, I was just cheering them on, Hey! Go girl! Go girl! At the sideline and all parents were doing that. And after like 10 minutes, we saw this girl, she was a bit obese, she was lagging behind. And then others were right in front and she was just going. And her mother joined her. And they continue to walk and walk and walk.
And when they came down to where I was standing, cheering on, I didn’t go on the marathon, but I now cheer the mother. Well done. This is great. [00:10:00] I was like, yes, I need to teach my child that she needs to finish what she has started. I need to make sure that she doesn’t quit just because she’s tired. So even though they finish 30 minutes behind everybody, they did it together. So you want your children to know what the values are. Discipline, perseverance, knowing how to problem solve, knowing how to draw from the inner strength and knowing how to draw from the environment, from support. So that is that. The second G is grace. You have to let your children know how to be kind to themselves.
That’s the first. Remember the internal positivity. We have to be kind to ourselves. The second thing is how are you going to be kind to other people? Now, sibling kindness is so important because charity begins at home. You train them to be kind to their siblings. Because sometimes children kind of [00:11:00] behave better outside than inside. And the teacher will say, Oh, this girl is just the best girl. This boy is just the best. And you’re like, really? The child I know in the house?
Paula: Is it the same child?
Ayo: But the truth is that they are more comfortable being themselves in the home than outside. Outside we put on this facade and align what we want people to see. That people can like us. In the house, they have to like you for who you are, you’re irrespective. But who are you really? Are you a kind-hearted person? Are you a loving person? And so we have to teach our children kindness. Kindness is learned. You know, a child that is delivered or by the time she’s two, she started lying. She started saying, give me my toys or grabbing other people’s toys. You teach the child how to be kind. So the other thing is being forgiving. As part of grace, so grace is kindness. Being kind to themselves, being kind to other people, being forgiven and being understanding, you know, I [00:12:00] mean, forgiving somebody is part of being kind.
The other thing is gratitude. So they have to be thankful to where you do things for them. You know, these are the magic words. Thank you. You have to teach them to be thankful, teach them to be thankful for who they are as a person and teach them to be thankful for where they are right now.
Paula: Thankful to others, thankful to whom, for who they are. What’s the third one?
Ayo: And also thankful for where they are in this world right now.

Paula: Yes. That is a good one, especially in this era with you know, IG the younger generation aren’t on Facebook anymore, but IG and TikToK. Where they see slivers of other people’s lives and think, yeah, that’s, yes. It’s a sliver. It’s not real.
Ayo: It’s not real. And unfortunately they now have a self esteem [00:13:00] about, I mean, low self esteem. I say, Oh, I’m not good enough. We are living in this normal house. My friends are living in this mansion or things like that. You need to be thankful and be grateful for yourself. You need to like yourself, right? You need to like yourself and be thankful. So that’s gratitude. And gratitude is a muscle that builds resilience, that builds positivity, that helps you to thrive and to survive both personally and in organizations. So the other thing is candle. So I’ve mentioned the three G’s, which is having grits, having grace, having gratitude, and candor, candor or boundaries.
As a parent, you need to let your children know clear boundaries in the home. Let them know the expectations that you have of them, right? We can’t say we have to be a sweet parent, communicate well at everything, and there’s no boundary. There has to be clear boundaries and [00:14:00] consequences. Remember I didn’t say punishments because punishment is like punitive, but consequences is like you made this choice. These are the aftermath of your choices, positive or negative. You’ve made those choices and those are the consequences.
Paula: So I’m going to stop just very quickly. All right.
Ayo: Yeah.
Paula: So you’re talking to an audience that is very mixed. We have some young people and we have some who are like my generation. We are baby boomers and as you said, parenting doesn’t end once the child is 18 and they go for a lot of us, especially as the immigrants mainly watching this. Parenting is for life. When they’re 18, okay, they may go to college, but they’re still your child. So, there have to be ways of unlearning some behaviors because, you know, you said boundaries and, you said, consequences are not punishment. And our generation grew up where there was more punishment. [00:15:00] Nobody, most times, and I’m just generalizing, you weren’t given a reason that mom or dad were doing this. You’re told if you don’t hear. You will feel. How does someone unlearn that?
Ayo: That’s a great question. So the difference between consequence and punishment is, punishment you’re just waiting for that child to flounder and then you put the rod, right? You put the rod, you do this, you know, I give you the rod. I remove these privileges. I do this. Well, consequence is teaching first. You teach the child the right values. You teach the child what to do. You show the child how to do it. That’s why modeling is important. And then you let the child know the consequences of the actions. And so, for instance, let’s say they didn’t wash the plate as once the rule can be, if you don’t wash or do your chores here, you have to wash the plates for the next two [00:16:00] days.
So you say, Oh, I see that you didn’t wash your plates. And you know, the consequence of not washing the place today is that you watch for the next two days. So I expect of you the next two days, you’re going to wash it. So that’s the consequence of not doing your chores, right? So that’s the consequence. So it’s not like, so the child knows you chose not to do it and then these are the consequence. If a child does not grumble, does not complain and everything, there’s something called grace. Right. Grace. Okay. I see you’re repentant. I see you did your chores quickly. Okay. We can step down from two days to one day, but it doesn’t have to pay those consequences because you can’t have a bark without a bite. And that’s where many patients and many parents feel whereby they’ll say, I’m going to do this. Then they don’t. And so the child learned, I don’t, if I do it, nothing’s going to come out of it.[00:17:00]
Paula: All right. So that’s communicating with children.
Ayo: Yes.
Paula: And we learned that three G’s and one C. I love all of that. What about communicating amongst themselves and with others?
Ayo: Yeah, that’s very important. Now communicating, even though I did mention what do you want them to see what do you want them to know, I want to just quickly say that what do you want them to see is about possibilities. Many children have very low self esteem of themselves, but you want to let them know that they are made in the image of God. You want to let them know that anything is possible. You want to let them know that when they put their hearts to it, they can do it. You have to let them know that confidence is rooted in God. With God, all things are possible, right? So please, as parents, let your children have that self confidence they need in themselves, and many times [00:18:00] it’s from actions. You have to turn your mind, dreams, or ideas to intentions, to actions.
The more you act on those goals, the more confident a child is, the more they’ll be able to say, Yes, I can do it. I’ve done it before. I can do it again. And the children or the parents continue to let the children know, Hey, you’ve done this before. You can do this again. And so you are that support system they have and that communication with them is important. Quickly, how do you want them to feel? You want to let them feel loved. You want to let them feel appreciated. You want to let them feel worthy, feel safe. Do you feel very validated? And I want to quickly talk about the strategies and that’s going to your question, communicating people from parents to the children.
And that’s actually verbal and nonverbal communication. So there are strategies for communicating positively and assertively with children. Now let us move away from being judgmental, [00:19:00] being accusatory, mimicking the child, criticizing the child, evaluating the child. The child does something, you’re like, you’re just a child, you’re just a bad child, you’re just a wicked child. You are irresponsible, you are senseless. No, don’t call names. Don’t make it about the person, make it about the situation. Right. So we have to move away from judging to being descriptive in our communication. So I’m going to share a few things you have to do. Number one, when a child does something and they would always mess up, parents will mess up, children will mess up, but how can we make it better?
They’ll always make wrong choices to be sincere. But what we can do is do three things. Number one, describe the situation or describe the behavior. I noticed you didn’t lay your bed. I noticed you slammed the door. I noticed you were shouting just now. Or I found this in your room. You know, whatever it is, what is it about? [00:20:00] Right? Show how you feel about it. Oh, I feel disrespected when you shout. I feel disrespected when you raise your voice at me. I feel disrespected when, so you don’t say that, you say how you feel, or you say, Oh, I’m worried about your choices. I’m worried about the things you’ve done. I found this may be condom or cigarettes or drugs or whatever you see in your child’s room.
I found this in your room. I’m very worried about the choices you are making. You know, that when you talk about the consequences, those behaviors can cause you to lose your job, cause you to lose your life, can cause you not to have television or your phone in the next two days. I noticed, you know, so, so let it be about those things. Or you say, you were screaming so hard this morning. I noticed you were screaming. What was that about? So that way it’s about that behavior. Don’t make it. And I, to be sincere, I’ve made that mistake before [00:21:00] where my daughter would do something. I’ll say, you have been, no, you’re talking back. That is pride. I know it’s a hard thing, but I’ll say that is pride damage. You are prideful. And she started internalizing it. Oh, I’m just a bad person. I’m a bad person. And it made her feel very resentful.
Paula: Mm-hmm.
Ayo: To say it makes me feel as if I’m the problem. So rather than facing the situation, I translated that situation to her.
Paula: Mm-hmm.
Ayo: And I learned the hard way. And that’s why I’m telling parents this as well. We have to make sure in all our communication, it’s about the situation. And whatever consequences comes from that, however you are feeling. And I’ll just give a very quick… my son recently, he went over his boundaries. I’ll just read the text. I wrote to him at his life. That’s my phone. I said, Hey, I noticed you chose to go against your dad, my instructions [00:22:00] and God’s command for obedience. This makes me really worried for you that you chose the consequence of disobedience and defiance. You chose to damn aptly and instructions not to do this thing. And it worries me that you are willing to lose all privileges. As a consequence of your actions. And then I told him what I expect. I expect you to come home at this moment, you know, and I said, let the spirit of God guide your decision. And he said, just one sentence. I’ll come home.
Paula: Wow.
Ayo: So I didn’t make it about, Oh, you are going to, why do you want to destroy your life? Why do you want to do that? Of course it takes learning, it takes skills.
Paula: I was about to say, yes, it took you some time to be able to practice that and put it into action with your children.
Ayo: Exactly. But it can be learned.
Paula: Can be learned.
Ayo: We have to… it’s not as if initially you would not [00:23:00] go all haywire, freak out and be angry, but you have to modulate and regulate. You don’t allow your child’s behavior to regulate your own outcome. You have to always have the end in mind. What do I want to see? So quickly, again because of time. The things you have to say, like I said, instead of saying giving orders, you can describe the problem. Instead of attacking the teenager, you can describe how you feel. Instead of threats and orders give choices. Maybe ask them to wash the plate. You’ve not done it.
I noticed you didn’t wash the plates. It makes me feel very agitated when I get to the kitchen and it’s all scattered. You know, I don’t feel you really respected the rules in the house. When would you want to wash those plates? In the next 30 minutes or one hour? Oh mom can I quickly do this? I can wash it in the next one hour. They hold them accountable for that. Right. So instead of pointing out wrong, state your values instead of [00:24:00] nagging, put it into words. Right. So, the other thing that I wanted to talk about is what do you want them to do? Children do what they see more than what they hear.
And that’s where modeling is so important as parents. How do you show up even as husband and wife, when we have conflicts, how do we show up? Because sometimes the way we scream, the way we are angry, the way we slam the door, silent treatment, all those things, the children are seeing. And when they have conflict with you, they do the same thing. That’s what mommy did. That’s what daddy did. So they do it.
Paula: Mm-hmm.
Ayo: And the other thing is, so you have to, as parents also, we should not be complaining and complaining. Let us show hearts of gratitude. Let us walk the talk. Secondly, let us help them to see the people they surround themselves [00:25:00] with. That’s what we want them to do. Their network is their net worth. Work with the wise and you become the wise. That’s the word from God. So these are the things that I wanted to share with us. And I’ll quickly give something about a story I heard recently, which is a true life story
Paula: Love your stories.
Ayo: From Dr. Becky. Yes. There was a girl that came to our hospital, our clinic. She had been having repeated suicide attempts, cutting herself, blah, blah, blah. And this was two years after when she started. And the doctor said, why are you coming this moment after cutting yourself and doing all those things for two years? She said, well, my parents had been telling me to come to the doctor, but I told them that do you feel I’m a problem? Do you feel I’m deranged? Do you feel I’m broken? I’m going to go to the doctor. I’m not going to say anything. And I’m going to waste her money. I’m going to be against you. And all those kinds of things. And the parents, out of fear, did not take her to the doctor. And the doctor said, at a point, the girl looked down, and [00:26:00] in a whimper, she looked up and said, and Doctor, do you know that, with all that, they allowed me to do whatever I wanted to do?
They allowed me to stay home and get away with that. Can you imagine my parents, a teenage child, listening to my threats and giving me the things I really need, which was therapy two years ago? In other words, we parents are more fearful. We can set boundaries. We can let our child receive the care they want to, they ought to receive in a loving manner, right? Rather than always being scared and letting the child be in control. So communication is important. Boundaries are important. They will thank us for parents that have the right authority and influence, rather than allowing them to just do whatever they have to do. Especially before they turn 18 in the US.
Paula: And even out of the US, I knew, and I didn’t live in the US at [00:27:00] that time, I knew a young lady who used to say, I go to my cousin’s house, rather than stay in my house, because in my house, there’s not much discipline. But I know when I come to my cousin’s house, I can’t get away with certain things. And I need that. She says, I, you know, I love my mom, but I don’t respect her. And this was way before I got married and I heard that story and I thought to myself, hmm, take note of it. Because she said, I am looking for discipline. Her mom was afraid of her and wouldn’t discipline her, but she did not understand. I mean, I thank God for where we are in 2020, for where we’re more aware of, mental illness.
We are also more aware of emotional intelligence and parents need to tune into that now. I mean, my generation, we’re not too out of it because some of us will be grandparents at some time. Even those things that we’re learning now can be applied to our grandchildren.
Ayo: True. Very true. And if I could quickly round up, and [00:28:00] this is external communication, how are we training our children to be ambassadors of the home? It’s important. We have to continue to teach them in the way they show up in the way they dress and the way they speak.
Paula: Yes.
Ayo: But one thing that is very important is communication with peers. Sometimes some peers can be nasty. They can do things to people that makes you feel less of yourself. I know people that have committed suicide because of the way their friends were treating them or the people in their in their classes, either because they are migrant children. They’re not in the U S the accents is different.
My children definitely received bullying in school. I’m feeling less of themselves either because of accents or things like when we first came here. One of the things that we had to teach them is being assertive. Now I will say that being assertive is communicating with others in a direct and honest manner without intentionally hurting anyone’s feelings. Direct communication can reduce [00:29:00] conflicts.
Paula: Yes.
Ayo: It can build self confidence. It can enhance personal and work relationship. And the key to assertive communication is being confident in who you are. If you are not confident in who you are, if you don’t like yourself, if you don’t value yourself, you are likely to just take those things in as, you know, yeah, I’m not, I’m nothing good. But if you know that you deserve this, you can confidently show up. You can give clear communication so that what you said just now, it hurt my feeling, right? You let them know what is just happening. And then you sit in a controlled manner. When they are screaming, don’t scream. When the person is angry at you, step out of it, right?
That way, the CEO in control, the girl I could recently, she had so much trouble with that, that after coaching her and she went back to school, so people were like, are you in some kind of [00:30:00] therapy? They saw a change in how she showed up. They saw a change in how she communicated. They saw a change in how she was unfazed by things they said. But so parents, summing all this up, the way we communicate in our family is a fulcrum of how our children would show up, how we would have that bond that makes them excel in every area of their lives. So thank you. Thank you.
Paula: This is awesome. This is, I mean, so good. And I want to say, if someone would like to continue being in communication with you, where can they find you online or follow you online?
Ayo: You could follow me online at Dr. Ayo Adenuga or at Ace Parenting. That’s on IG or Facebook. And you can also send an email aceparenting@gmail.com. I’ll be willing to answer your questions. I will need to work with you, to connect with you and just help you to navigate those challenges that [00:31:00] unique to teenage years. So you can be successful personally and professionally. Well, thank you for listening. I really appreciate all of you being here today. Absolutely.
Paula: Thank you. And for those of you who have heard Dr. Ayo Adenuga and would like to be a guest on my show just like she has been, you can reach out to me on my website, which is chatting_with_the_experts.com. You can follow me on Instagram and my handle there is at chat_experts_podcast. You can also communicate with me on LinkedIn. I’m on LinkedIn. Just search for Paula Okonneh and in the same way you can find me on Facebook. Just search again for Paula Okonneh. Thank you Dr. Ayo. You are great and we say thank you for being a blessing to us parents, grandparents who are listening and the younger generation who are part of us as well.
Ayo: Yeah.
Paula: Thank you.
Ayo: Absolutely. Thank you [00:32:00] everybody.